The reason that I haven’t blogged recently isn’t because I haven’t had anything to say. On the contrary, I’ve even recorded a couple of videos that I decided not to share. Not because I didn’t want you to know how I was doing. It was more like I wasn’t sure how I was doing.
Chemo carries with it lots of uncertainty. Times when you feel strong; times when you feel weak; times when you are unsure. Presently, I’m in the latter season of time. With three treatments under my belt and three more to go, a friend recently remarked that I was on the other side of the mountain. Funny thing about chemo, the mountain seems to loom larger with time…that is until you crest and find yourself ringing that bell, signifying the finish line – the same line I crossed five years ago when I ended my battle with breast cancer. I hadn’t allowed myself the possibility of imagining I’d be looking forward to chiming in again. But that is the kind uncertainty that hits you at the halfway point.
So, this is precisely where I find myself tonight as I prepare for my fourth cycle of chemo. I’d hoped that treatment would not include another drug increase. Unfortunately we don’t always get what we hope for. Three of my drugs, the Doxorubicin (Red Devil), Vincristine, and Cyclophosphamide, will all have to be increased another 20% over the last increase. ((sigh))
I’m hoping to feel better at the end of Cycle Four. Maybe the mountain will seem a little flatter and ringing that bell, a little closer.
To everthing there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to gain, and a time to refrain from embracing;
At time to gain, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
A time of war, and a time of peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1 – 3:8